The Orem Lon’s is just south of Park’s Sportsman. It used to be the Hotdog King, which sadly closed but I think it was due to painfully slow service not undelicious food. Luckily Lon’s swooped into the space and placed an offset smoker out front. It puffs away, like a mired steam engine, inviting you to sample the slow cooked meat. As soon as you get out of the car you can smell the inviting aroma of slow-burning applewood.

There is something about slow cooking animal flesh that locks in succulence and creates flavor unmatched by any veggie burger that has yet been invented. Trust me, I have tried them all. And take all of that and blow some applewood smoke up, I mean on, it and you have the essence of barbecue. The slow cooking over a fire melts away most of the fat and the tough connective tissue is broken down creating something that you don’t even need teeth to eat. That is what Lon does.

The ribs, as Jason has said, are hit or miss, I think it depends on who the chef is the day you go there. I haven’t tried the brisket yet because hey, there is barbecue pork and pork ribs to be had.

However, the Orem location is very small. They do a lot of take-out orders, and they also cater, but if you want to eat it there, you might have to share a table with some other customers. I’ve never seen it as much of a problem. Their clientèle are fairly decent and friendly people.

–Joe

Jason believes we should be above reviewing chain and fast food restaurants. I am not above anything. Right next door to Jamba Juice there is (I mean was: luckily for all nearby residents it recently closed its doors) a Skippers Fish abusery. If what they sell can even be called fish.

Instantly upon entering, my delicate aesthetic sense was offended. The decor (and I use that word in the widest of possible contexts) consisted of very poor paint color choices. Even by the standards of the blind. There were sparse pieces of framed… stuff. One was a Skippers brochure circa 1984. Another was a poster of a skier (possibly bought from Shopko 15 years ago) wearing a teal, pink and black snowsuit. The third and final wall decoration was a black and white photograph of a trolley car. Can you go wrong with a classic trolley car photograph? I didn’t think it was possible but Skippers has shown me that even this is no decorating constant. Also a random silk plant collected dust on a random shelf, haphazardly placed on the wall.

We were also the only patrons under 68 years old. I should have turned and run. I knew that whatever I ordered would be an abomination of nature. A frozen dreg of the ocean; thawed, deep fried and smothered in bad sauce like substance. I also got some french fries that smelled like a fish @$$. It is a toss-up as to what was last updated: the clientele, the decor, the fry oil, or the tartar sauce. I think this would be a good gambling game for wealthy people with nothing else to do with their money. “Chauncy, I place 2 Million on the Tar-Tar sauce.”

I think all readers should know my stomach is impervious so I was in no way frightened by what I saw. Give me hot sauce and I will eat moldy cat flesh. Now this so called Skippers was not much better*. I ate it but refused to finish it. Please do not eat at Skippers unless you want your entire being to smell like the Osaka Fish Concern’s bio-waste or you hate yourself. I wouldn’t even send someone I hate to eat there.

*Yes I have eaten old cat flesh with inordinate amounts of hot sauce, but at least it was cooked.

–Joe