Sorry I haven’t posted for a few years. I am a big stupid jerk, hiding my vast restaurant knowledge under a proverbial barrel. But I am back and fatter on the inside than ever before.

Now let’s get to the review, because that’s all anyone cares about anyway.

Terra Mia. My homeland (that’s how I translate it). I like to eat at Terra Mia at least every other week. I was eating there every week but realized I wasn’t trying any new restaurants so I decided to cut back for a bit.

Let me just say that I am biased because the pizza here is so very delicious. And I like pizza. Has anybody heard the song “Pizza Day” by The Aquabats? If you have, you know that the day you go to Terra Mia will be the best day of the week. The menu starts off with about 17 pizzas and I think I have had every single one of them (that doesn’t have mushrooms, but I am sure they would be good if you were in to that type of thing) and there hasn’t been a single one that I didn’t adore. The pizzas are cooked in a wood fired brick oven, but have never been blackened and always perfect, unlike some places… you know who you are.

I recommend the ‘Terra Mia’ or the ‘Matteo’s’ and of course you can’t go wrong with the ‘Margherita.’ They also have a create-your-own pizza where you can get crazy with your toppings. The pizzas are a good size, but I usually eat at least one pizza myself. I think for normal people a half of a pizza and a gelato would suffice. If you have a hearty appetite plan on at least 3/4 of a pizza.

I am probably going to offend some people, but the pasta is just so so. It was good, but nothing spectacular. The bread that comes with it however was great. The service is friendly and prompt for the most part, except for the time I was there with my wife and they forgot her salad and 30 minutes later we had to go ask them where it was. That’s what she gets for ordering a salad I guess.

Gelato? Hell yes! The gelato is pretty much perfect. I wish it wasn’t so expensive because then I would like to eat about 5 times as much as they give you. That being said, it is reasonably priced for gelato and I never go there without getting my fix. The flavors rotate and change depending on what day you go, but they let you sample whichever flavor you like. The problem is, you will want all of them. But don’t try to put all of them together, just go back frequently and get different flavors.

Two final words:

GO THERE or die a sad flavorless death.

You are gosh damn right it does. If you like Panda Express (shame on you, you should be ashamed) you would be insane not to like Cooking Taste Right. For the sole indisputable fact that it is, without hyperbole, one million times better. Maybe make that one hundred million times better. Or in other words, if panda Express receives a ‘six’ CTR would receive 600,000,000.

I might be exaggerating but I have never claimed to be a math jerk. I only claim to eat food at many many restaurants. The food at Cooking Taste Right is authentic and delicious. If you knew the restaurant named Munchies in Provo, here it is! Unfortunately for many loyal Munchies customers, the name was changed and the location is not sufficiently visible. If you are wondering where it has gone, look to the east as you are driving down University Ave. You will see CTR right next to Curves and a hair salon. That is where it has gone.

We started our meal with refreshing Chinese smoothies. Jason had roasted barley tea with boba. I had avocado. They have less exotic things like orange and banana for those less exotic types. But whatever your tastes are, they have a smoothie that is perfect for you.

Along with our soothing smoothies, we ordered 2 kinds of dumplings. The first was a pork buuz, steamed and filled with the goodness of Mongolia. I sort of wish it was filled with yak meat, but the pork was very delicious. If you order the dumplings, just forgo the usage of utensils, a fork will puncture the delicate outer pocket, causing you to lose many savory juices, and chopsticks will rip them. Use your fingers. Your mouth will thank you.

The second dumpling was also good. Amazingly, each one was better than the last. They tasted like tiny juicy hamburgers, well seasoned, and steaming hot.

After the double dumple appetizer, we were graced with Mongolian Noodles. Which I call “super happy temple of the mouth explodes much goodness noodles” or shtotemg noodles for short. It was filling, but not overwhelmingly so. I highly recommend them. The noodles are hand made on site and some of the best egg noodles that have ever crossed my palate.

I almost forgot the best part: custard buns. Everyone loves custard buns, even my three-year-old niece who eats a total of three different kinds of food (she doesn’t like ice cream or chocolate) will eat custard buns. They are steamed pastries filled with custard. Simply delicious. Just be sure to eat them while they are still hot or they will become rubbery and tough.

They have more ‘American’ Chinese food as well such as orange chicken, beef and broccoli, sweet and sour chicken, pot stickers (which I highly recommend), ginger chicken etc. They also sell freshly baked Chinese pastry’s and imported Chinese candy. A good quick snack or treat that is different from all the boring crap you normally eat.

One last word (or ten): Go to Cooking Taste Right. Your mouth will thank you.

–Joe

The Orem Lon’s is just south of Park’s Sportsman. It used to be the Hotdog King, which sadly closed but I think it was due to painfully slow service not undelicious food. Luckily Lon’s swooped into the space and placed an offset smoker out front. It puffs away, like a mired steam engine, inviting you to sample the slow cooked meat. As soon as you get out of the car you can smell the inviting aroma of slow-burning applewood.

There is something about slow cooking animal flesh that locks in succulence and creates flavor unmatched by any veggie burger that has yet been invented. Trust me, I have tried them all. And take all of that and blow some applewood smoke up, I mean on, it and you have the essence of barbecue. The slow cooking over a fire melts away most of the fat and the tough connective tissue is broken down creating something that you don’t even need teeth to eat. That is what Lon does.

The ribs, as Jason has said, are hit or miss, I think it depends on who the chef is the day you go there. I haven’t tried the brisket yet because hey, there is barbecue pork and pork ribs to be had.

However, the Orem location is very small. They do a lot of take-out orders, and they also cater, but if you want to eat it there, you might have to share a table with some other customers. I’ve never seen it as much of a problem. Their clientèle are fairly decent and friendly people.

–Joe

Jason believes we should be above reviewing chain and fast food restaurants. I am not above anything. Right next door to Jamba Juice there is (I mean was: luckily for all nearby residents it recently closed its doors) a Skippers Fish abusery. If what they sell can even be called fish.

Instantly upon entering, my delicate aesthetic sense was offended. The decor (and I use that word in the widest of possible contexts) consisted of very poor paint color choices. Even by the standards of the blind. There were sparse pieces of framed… stuff. One was a Skippers brochure circa 1984. Another was a poster of a skier (possibly bought from Shopko 15 years ago) wearing a teal, pink and black snowsuit. The third and final wall decoration was a black and white photograph of a trolley car. Can you go wrong with a classic trolley car photograph? I didn’t think it was possible but Skippers has shown me that even this is no decorating constant. Also a random silk plant collected dust on a random shelf, haphazardly placed on the wall.

We were also the only patrons under 68 years old. I should have turned and run. I knew that whatever I ordered would be an abomination of nature. A frozen dreg of the ocean; thawed, deep fried and smothered in bad sauce like substance. I also got some french fries that smelled like a fish @$$. It is a toss-up as to what was last updated: the clientele, the decor, the fry oil, or the tartar sauce. I think this would be a good gambling game for wealthy people with nothing else to do with their money. “Chauncy, I place 2 Million on the Tar-Tar sauce.”

I think all readers should know my stomach is impervious so I was in no way frightened by what I saw. Give me hot sauce and I will eat moldy cat flesh. Now this so called Skippers was not much better*. I ate it but refused to finish it. Please do not eat at Skippers unless you want your entire being to smell like the Osaka Fish Concern’s bio-waste or you hate yourself. I wouldn’t even send someone I hate to eat there.

*Yes I have eaten old cat flesh with inordinate amounts of hot sauce, but at least it was cooked.

–Joe

Pop quiz: what is the significance of 712 in the name of the restaurant? (Answer at the end of the post)

Agreed. It’s amaaazing the food and the atmosphere. The experience does differ depending on the day. It is one of the best and worst parts about Pizzeria 712. They use sustainable and local ingredients as much as possible. It makes me want to eat there even more, but sadly that means that the menu is always in flux and occasionally they stop serving the best items on the menu. But they are always adding new items and those new items are invariably delicious.

The decor is inviting and the chefs work right there in front of the tables. It is an intimate, beautiful and happy place to eat.

712 degrees is the optimal temperature to cook the most delicious pizza and is the temperature in the brick oven. I believe that the wood in the oven is cherry, or is at times cherry. Mmm, cherrywood smoked pizza…

–Joe